I am so excited that Lunar New Year is on Jan 25, 2020. As a Chinese American, my family had a tradition to tidy up our home so that new luck could come into our lives. Since I became an adult, I have not been as good as my mom in dusting away all the dust bunnies. But, for the upcoming new year, I decided to go for it!
Why Marie Kondo-ing doesn’t always work
Have you heard of Marie Kondo? She’s the guru of decluttering and wrote two best-selling books on the topic. Marie is a big proponent of knowing which objects give you joy. My personal opinion is that most hoarders believe that everything gives them joy. Which is why they are surrounded by stuff! If you have issues with maintaining your home from clutter after you use her method, don’t feel bad. It’s really about addressing your internal emotional state and how to address the confusion that happens when you cannot make a decision about whether to keep or toss out an object.
Let me walk you through how she approaches decluttering your closet. You are to pick up the clothing and ask yourself, “Does this clothing give me joy?” I did this exercise and I sat there: wondering, wondering and wondering. “This black t-shirt was just a t-shirt,” I thought to myself. There were, of course, memories connected. All of these memories were a big glob of emotions that ranged from happiness to sadness. Yes, this is still a good shirt and I liked it, but I wondered if it was worth keeping so that I will continue to receive joy from it. This is a tough question to answer for someone like me who can see joy in anything.
This means I have to shift from making excuses with my logical brain and connect with the feeling around joy. And, sometimes, this could be a challenge when the feeling may be blocked from other feelings or thoughts. It is important for me to quiet my mind and sit with this object until I get a strong hit about the feeling. And, after some time of waiting and there is nothing, then, I got my answer about whether it gives me joy.
The problem I have with Marie Kondo is that she assumes that all adults are in touch with their joyful side or can easily get there on their own.
When people are stuck in hopelessness or despair, they cannot connect with their joy.
Most people may be hoarders or have a hard time letting go of their stuff because they may have no connection with what real joy is. It’s a struggle to even know joy.
An entire chapter (or book) needs to be devoted on self-compassion as you go through the Marie Kondo method. The act of de-cluttering will definitely bring up emotional pain and confusion for many people. The biggest culprit for many people is their highly critical mind that says to them, “What’s wrong with me that I cannot figure out if this object gives me joy?” Or, the other critical thought of “What’s wrong with me that I have so much stuff and I cannot let go of this item even though it does not give me joy?”
For a person who has had a history of hoarding and being overwhelmed by a disorganized home, this person will struggle with identifying what sparks joy. It’s a complex issue to identify joy. And if we have found it, then, the Kondo method, of course, is a breeze.
For my clients that I have worked with who struggle with clutter, I found the most success with them is by offering them compassion and empathy as we work together to connect with the emotion of joy. They release some shame knowing that they do not have to know the right answer right away.
Marie Kondo markets her book as a method. I see her work similar to how someone writes a book on a method to fight your depression. Of course, you may get some value from the book, but the real change comes from working with a professional to reach your goals.
Time to seek professional help!
Let me explain further why I advocate bringing someone into your de-cluttering work and not to do this alone. It’s like someone who is obese and relies on a diet book to tell them the so-called “obvious” method. Just “eat less and exercise more,” you are told. And one more thing: “avoid junk food.” These books miss out on the huge emotional component associated with why we choose to eat junk food in the first place even though our logical brain knows not to do it. Yet we end up eating that dessert anyway and left still feeling emotionally empty inside!
Your efforts to de-clutter, if you have not done it in years, is a big project. You really need a mental health professional on your side the same way you would hire a health professional on your side if you have a serious eating disorder. A nutritionist may be hired for the eating disorder client. And, for the hoarder client, this person may similarly want to hire a person who will teach this person what things are worth keeping in the home.
By having a therapist, this professional will teach you to not be so hard on yourself as you wonder why you cannot de-clutter this on your own. It takes a lot of courage to confront your demons as to what is going on inside your mind as you get confused with whether you can choose joy. Know that you are not alone. Many people struggle with identifying what they want out of life that gives them joy. And sorting out your material objects in your home is also a struggle as well.
Here’s a sample of The Karen Yu Method of sparking joy into the de-cluttering process:
Step #1: Pick up an item of clothing and see if it gives you joy.
Step #2: If this clothing doesn’t give you joy and you are clear that you want to toss it out -- then hooray!! -- you’ve got your answer. Do the happy dance and move on. If not, go to Step #3.
Step #3: Take a nice deep breath. Be curious. Do not attempt to answer the questions with “Why doesn’t this give me joy?” and “Should this item give me joy?” If it is difficult to move beyond your highly-critical thinking mind, then, pause and take more deep breaths. Let your breath calm your mind. This is the beginning of your self-compassion practice.
Step #4: What are you feeling when you want to get rid of it? If bad memories or sadness comes up because it reminds you of someone who hurt you, then it is time to let it go. If you find yourself not wanting to let it go, this is information to share with your therapist to work on later. If you do not know what feelings are coming up, put it in a Pending Box to be dealt with, setting a deadline of no longer than five days.
Step #5: If you want to keep it because it gives you mild joy, then hold this object and sit with it and see whether this emotion moves to a higher or lower level of joy. It may be helpful for you to compare it to another object and start comparing your degrees of joy.
Step #6: If you are still confused, that’s okay. Put that in the Pending Box to deal with later.
Step #7: Last step is say to yourself, “Let me cultivate a gift of self-compassion for myself. If I make a mistake and toss this out, may I shower myself with kindness that I made a mistake.” If yes, then, toss out. If not, keep in pending box.
Step #8: Repeat steps 1 through 7. When you work on this, try to not work longer than an hour.
After an hour of doing this exercise, as you look at items of clothing that you kept, do you feel embarrass by your clutter? If so, continue to do step 7 and sit with the idea that past mistake of delaying making action to your clutter is forgiven.
Now, notice if are you still feeling joy or not that you spent one hour working towards your goal to live a more peaceful home life. If there is no joy, then you may be disconnected from your internal joy compass. It’s a good idea to cultivate that aspect of yourself if you want to have the most efficient use of your time in making your home to reflect a peaceful environment.
If you are finding yourself not making the progress that you would like, say to yourself, “I don’t need to do this perfectly. My total items are finite. I am committing to myself to keep working on this project. If I work on my internal emotional health, my external life will also improve. I also value my home so I am committed to working towards creating a peaceful and calm environment.”
What so I do if it is too much to let anything go?
At times, my clients have reported that they just wanted to keep everything because it feels really bad to let them go. It’s been my experience that what is really going on is a hurt associated in their past about letting go of someone or something that was hard for them. My clients find it easier to start letting go of their stuff when they have finally come to peace in letting go of past hurts from people or experiences. They discovered that cleaning their internal emotional life is reflected in cleaning their external home life.
Lastly, remember that it’s not easy if you have had a long history of clutter. Be extra kind to yourself and please recruit a friend or hire a professional to be on your side to cheer you on. Sticking with this process of de-cluttering means you are creating a joyful life rather than merely accepting that this is just the way things are with your life.
Have a happy Lunar New Year! May you discover the joy that you deserve in your life!
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